Here are some jokes sent in by visitors to this site. If you have a good (clean!) joke then email it to us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
What is black and white, black and white and black and white?
A penguin rolling down the hill.
Sophie Coates Clowne (11 May)
Why did Mickey Mouse go into outer space?
He was looking for Pluto!!!!
Lots of Love Emily Ward (11 May)
Why did the skeleton play the piano?
Because he didn’t have any organs!!!
Daniel (11 May)
Here's my joke - What's yellow and goes 125MPH!?!?
A train drivers egg sandwich!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucie (28 Nov)
Why didn't the orange cross the road?
Because it ran out of juice!
Hannah Pedersen (28 Nov)
What did the baby chick say when his mum sat on an orange?
Look what Marma-laid!!!
Rachel Wilcox (28 Nov)
Why was the mother flea so sad?
Because her children had gone to the dogs.
Hamish 7 (28 Nov)
How do you know if a fish is a Christian?
It's got a car on it's back!
From Lucie (28 Nov)
A preacher was walking in the jungle when a killer lion began to chase him, the preacher fell onto his knees and prayed to the Lord.
The lion then fell to his knees and started praying, the preacher said "It's a miracle, you a killer lion joining me in prayer, just when I though my life was about to end."
"Shut up," said the lion "I'm saying grace!"
Ella Havell (28 Nov)
There is a meeting for ALL the animals in the jungle.
There is a man running away from a tribe who are about to kill him. He reaches a crocodile infested river, does he swim across anyway or stay for the tribe to reach him??????????
Answer: He swims across 'cos the crocodiles are at the meeting!!!!!!!!!!!
From Molly .W. and Joelle .R. (28 Nov)
Cows go who?
No! Cows go moo, owls go who!!
Naomi Douglas (28 Nov)
A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
Alan Boyd (27 Nov)
Teacher: If I had 10 apples in one hand and 15 oranges in the other what would I have?
Pupil: Big hands, Sir!!!
Daniel (28 Nov)
There was a English cat and a French cat, the English was called "one two three" and the French was called "un deux trois".
They were having a race round a lake which cat won????????????????????????????????????
The English cat because "une deux trois" cat sank (quatre cinq)
Josh Smale (10 Dec)
Where do you find a helping hand??????????
In a second Hand store!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which book bible is named after a citrus fruit??????
What do you a pretty pickle????????
Hannah Smith (5 Jan)
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away its credit card!
Laura Smale (6 Jan)
How do you make a milk shake?
sneak up and say boo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how can you tell a train has passed?
look for it's tracks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Martin Smith (17 Jan)
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", she said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". she said "Baa", I said "Moo", she said "You're closest"
A boy walks into a butcher shop, looks at the butcher behind the counter and says, "I bet you can't reach that slab of meat on the trop shelf", The Butcher coolly replies "I would but the steaks are too high"
I saw a bloke playing "Dancing Queen" on the didgeridoo. I thought that's "abba-riginal"
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
Who was the smallest man in the bible?
Bildad the Shuhite (Bildad the shoe - height!)
Martin Morley (17 Jan)
Isaiah than you coz im standing on a box
Andrew Biles (21 Feb)
Doctor, Doctor I feel like I'm invisible
Laura (4 Mar)
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches!!
From sarah Williams (7 Mar)
A duck walks into a store and goes up to the manager and says "Do you have any quackas?" and the manager says "No, we don't have any quackas" So the duck leaves.
The next day he comes back and goes up to the manager and says "Do you have any quackas?" and the manager says "No, we don't have any quackas" so once again the duck leaves. He comes back 4 the third time and says "Do you have any quackas?" and the manager says "No we don't have any quackas and the next time you come here asking for quackas I'm gonna staple your feet to my desk!" So the duck leaves. A few days later the duck comes back and asks the manager "Do you have any staples?" and the manager says "NO, we don't have any staples" Then the duck says "Do you have any quackas?"
From Nick (8 Mar)
What happens when you play table-tennis with a rotten egg?
First it go's ping! then it go's pong!!!!!
Ronnie (age 47) (21 Mar)
Q) what happened to the lady who dreamt she was eating a big marshmallow???????
A) in the morning her pillow had gone!!!!!!!!
Charlotte Riddick (15 Apr)
Three boys were bragging about their dads and the 1st boy said "My dad scribbles down a few words calls it a poem and gets £50 for it!"
The 2nd boy said "Well my dad scribbles down a few words and calls it a song and gets £100 for it"
Then the 3rd boy said this "My dad scribbles down a few words calls it a sermon and 8 people have to collect the money he gets!!
Fi and Andy (25 Apr)
A man went to the doctor and said "Doctor, every time I close my eyes I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Pluto...WHAT CAN I DO ??? ! ! "
The doctor replied "Just take a few days off work, - you must be suffering from disney spells ".
Heather and Martin Thorpe (3 May)
How many ears has Captain Kirk from Star Trek got?
The answer is 3, - a left ear, a right ear and a final front ear!
Heather and Martin Thorpe (3 May)
One day a man was talking to God and he said, God what is a million years to you?
and God said, a minute
The man then said, God what is a million pounds to you?
and God said, a penny
the man said, God give us a penny!
God replied, in a minute!
Joshua Yates (4 Sep)
Where Do Cows Go For Fun?
Briar Richards (4 Sep)
sorry I dont speak owl!!!!!!!!!!!
Catherine Halstead (29 Sep)
how do you get to Tenby?
answer 1b, 2b 3b 4b 5b 6b 7b 8b 9b Tenby !
from Isabel & Catherine (18 Nov)
There once was a preacher speaking at a church.
At the end of the sermon, he told the congregation, Next week I will be teaching about lying, so I need everyone to read Mark chapter 17. The following sunday the preacher said Everyone who read Mark chapter 17 raise your hand. Mostly everyone in the congregation put their hand up. You are the ones I want to talk to, he said. There is no Mark 17!
Andraya McMaster (18 Nov)
what do you get when you stir ham?
Ashley and mandy (18 Nov)
Patient:doctor doctor I feel like a pack of cards
Doctor: sit over their and I will deal with you later!
Natasha Finlayson (2 Jan)
What do you call a cow, a sheep and a goat?
Sarah-Lynne Gallaher (21 Feb)
What do Europe and a frying pan have in common?
They both have Greece at the bottom!
Lauren Gallaher (24 Feb)
Why do skeletons not like to go to scary movies?
Because they have no guts
Stefan Baer (19 Mar)
A kid walked into a church. They were giving out apples.
The sign in front of the apples said - only take one Gods watching you. Then he walked to a different table where there were cookies. The sign said - take as many as you like Gods watching the apples!
Matthew (4 Apr)
Have you got holes in your pants? - No!
How do you get your legs through then?
Ceri and Holli: (4 Apr)
Did you hear about our paper boy?
He blew away!
Matt Vincent (18 Apr)
A polar bear walked into a bar and said Can I have orange juice..........................
with ice. The man serves it and says, Why the long pause?
The Polar bear says, I was born with them!
Joanna pullar (12 May)
A pupil at a school once said to his teacher, "Miss I need a wee, please can I got to the toilet?"
His teacher replied, "Yes but first tell me your abcs."
The boy started his abcs "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.."
"Where is your P?" His teacher asked.
So the boy told her, "Its running down my leg Miss!!!!"
Zoe Clark (28 Aug)
Doctor! doctor! I think Im a moth
You should see a psychiatrist
I was on my way but saw your light on!
Daniel Bull (28 Aug)
Which Animals were last to leave the ark?
The Elephants they were packing their trunks!
Rebecca Alcock (27 Feb)
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
Hannah Allmark, 11 (17 Apr)
THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I will not be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dont dig up that garden. Thats where I buried the bodies.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. Thats the best I could do under the circumstances.
Alan Boyd (27 Apr)
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
from Joel age 6 (12 May)
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the pavement!
Kate Slennett (27 Jun)
Teacher: If I had 30 apples and I ate 20 of them what would I be left with?
Bethany T (11 Sep)
Heres my joke!!
whats the longest word in the bible??
Hannah Allmark (5 Dec)
There was a boy who when he was younger had a huge obsession with tractors.
As he got older and was going to big school his sister decided to get him out of this obsession in case he was bullied. She worked for weeks on this and eventually he saw the light and moved on. One day there was a massive fire in his new school. As everyone around him was panicking, he calmly breathed in all the smoke, allowing everyone to escape. Once outside his amazed teacher asked him how he managed to breathe in the smoke. the boy replied, well I'm an ex-tractor-fan!
Naomi and Jessica Scarsbrook (26 Feb)
how do you keep an idiot in suspense?
.............................................................................................................................................I'll tell you later! tee hee, har har har.
Sarah(12) and Charlotte (13) (5 Mar)
Doctor the invisible man is here
Tell him I can’t see him!
Hannah (15 Apr)
what do you can a man with a spade in his head?
what do you can a man with 3 spades in his head?
...duggie dug dug!!!
Hannah in Swindon (4 Jun)
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because he was not peeling well....!
Abigail Speake (7 Jul)
What did the super-market trolly say to the shopper?
Stop pushing me around!!!
Jack Parkes (16 Sep)
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Zach (5 Nov)
Student : Will you punish me for something I didnt do?
Teacher : Of course not.
Student : Good cos I didnt do my homework!
Cecille Espiritu (14 Nov)
What has a fluffy coat and pants in the summer?
Pete Farnell (2 Jan)
What does Bible stand for?
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth!
Cassidy Age 8 (2 Mar)
Well a boy needed the toilet in class but before he could go he had to say the alphabet so he said A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z then the teacher said were is the P? And the boy said...
...running down my leg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hannah Cartwright (1 Aug)
Why did the teacher go buzz eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils!!!!!!!!
Hannah Cartwright (1 Aug)
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll just hang around!
Shannon (7 Nov)
Why did the boy stare at the orange juice container?
Because it said concentrate on it!
Megan (7 Nov)
Nobody............ Hey! Where did he go???????
Luke Pritchard (7 Mar)
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate!
Henry (8 Apr)